I was helping my
cousin transport furniture to his new apartment the other day, when suddenly
car problems caused him to pull off the road. He assured me that he’d get the
car running again, and asked that I drive on to his apartment with the
furniture. When I felt comfortable enough with his assessment, I decided to
drive on toward our destination. Moments later, my nephew Josh called and asked
me if I had time to drive him to a friends house and, assured that I had time
to do so, stopped off to pick him up.
Kaitlyn, my girlfriends seven year old daughter who was with me during this
excursion, was polite in this, her initial meeting with Josh, but was far less
talkative and animated than she normally is when she interacts with others, particularly
adults. She normally puts on a one woman show.
After
dropping my nephew off, Kaitlyn, who’d been sitting in a back seat of my van,
moved to the front passenger seat, continued coloring in her coloring book and,
without looking up, asked me, “Ted, why is it that I get shy, and won’t sing
along to my favorite songs on the radio when some people are around”? I paused
for a moment, as I often do when asked a question, but with little thought
responded, “probably because you’re worried that someone won’t like you” My
response to her made me think about how often I don’t speak, look around, sing,
comment, engage, dance, and generally fail to be myself, whoever I am, because
I’m worried that someone will won’t like me. Answering her made me realize how
important it is to get to where I don’t care what others think of me.
My
nephew would likely not have been put off had Kaitlyn sang along loudly to
Selena Gomez or Miley Cyrus, both of whose music she loves. I doubt that he
would have become irritated had Kaitlyn engaged him in some goofy conversation,
as she often does with adults. Even if she’d clamored for attention that he
didn’t want to give her, he’d have smiled and humored her until he arrived at
his destination. He’s a kind man. I’m proud of that. The fact that a seven year
old asks that question, however, is evidence that human beings put a premium on
being liked, even by complete strangers.
Why,
though, do we give a shit whether others, including strangers, like us? Truth
is we worry about being criticized and/or being judged by others, as if we can
avoid it, when the fact is that judgment and criticism are unavoidable
realities of life. Someone will criticize and judge you for the entirety of
your life. What we all need to discover is the proper response to being
disliked.
We
need to like ourselves. Human beings have the tendency to strive to
be liked at the expense of individual authenticity. As certified holistic
professional Tara Crawford Roth states in her piece entitled Why Do We Need To Be Liked?, “at the
root is a self judgment that somehow we are lacking, we are not good enough”.
When we live in that judgment, we exist only in the small space of your heads,
and we are plugged into that weakness. Staying plugged into that weakness prevents
us from developing and sharing who God and life has made us with the rest of
the world.
It’s
important to share your authentic self with others because there is no one else
on earth who is you. At the very least, we were created to meet, observe, teach,
and learn from one another. If you hide your self from others, even for the
sake of being liked, no one can learn from you. Josh might know someone who
would cast Kaitlyn in a local commercial, which could lead everywhere for her,
her mother, and her sister, but how would he know how charismatic she is if
she’s afraid to show it?
Being
liked is a pleasure that all human
beings desire and strive for. We all want to be liked. Right or wrong, we covet
it. Being liked, however, is worthless if we are not free to be ourselves.
Instead of wasting time worrying about being liked, do as Kaitlyn normally
does, and sing, loudly and enthusiastically, to strangers.
Copyright2012Ted’sBigIdeas
