It's a problem I never had. I was never that dude that all the chicks swoon over, the one who every woman wants and says to other's, "girl, that dude is just ssssssssssssssssss". Not that I ever really saw what the big deal was about the guys who were held in such esteem. Most of them were just regular dudes, whose breathes stank, skin was fucked up upon further review, and who were just as unsure of themselves as the ugly ducklings, like me.
Don't get me wrong, because I'm no hater. If a guy is a good looking guy, I have no problem acknowledging that, and if women swoon over a guy, I'm not offended by it. I've never been that insecure! However, some of the men who women have designated "super fine" over the years have really been just regular, every day guys. Denzel Washington looks like another good looking guy off any city street, and David Haselhoff is that hunky gym teacher in a high school in most towns. Be for real! (laughing)
So it was really funny to me when I heard her repeatedly refer to the time, "when she was fine". What does it mean to say "when I was fine"? What were you like when you were fine? Why aren't you fine anymore? How has your significance changed, now that you're no longer fine? Can you ever be fine again? Does fine apply to you when you're 70 years old?
She told me that a few years ago, when she was "fine", guys never looked at who she is as a person, and that they only saw her amazing physical form. Then, no man wanted to talk with her, get to know her, and befreind her. No, when she was fine, they only wanted to fuck her. This is a very intelligent young woman, who has a lot to say, and can provide much fuel to add to the mixtures of great invention. In short, this chick can get you off and help you get your idea to Congress.
Why, then, does she long for that days when all guys saw was her body? She's gained a few pounds over the past few years, and is not what she'd call "fine" anymore. Now, she says, that men look at her, "intelligence, leadership, business savvy, and expertise", but that kind of recognizance alone just doesn't make her smile the way that she though it would.
It would be so great if she was that fine again, AND men admired her mental and intellectual beauty! The reality is, however, that we live in a world were men often could care less about what a woman has to say in the classrooms and boardrooms of the world. Rather, what really interests men is what a woman has to say in the bedrooms of our world. That's funny, huh?
So is a broad not fine if she's not so fine physically anymore? If a chick, or a guy for that matter, is not slim, svelte, trim, lean or "model" slim anymore are they therefore not fine? What about the kindness that a girl possesses? Does it mean anything that a man lends a helping hand to those around him who need help? Is not a woman's work ethic a quality that is considered beautiful? Though we live in a really hasty, impatient world, don't we all find it really attractive when we're standing in a line and, while everyone else bitches, there's this one guy who just smiles politely and waits his turn (I'm usually that guy)?
Think about it. What does it mean to be "fine", and if it only refers to physical beauty, who of us will be fine forever? Can you be considered fine when you're 97, and your skin hangs like it was stretched like puddy (if that's how you end up looking!)?
I think we all need to redefine the word fine in our minds to allow for it's meaning relative to our circumstances. Fine is anything that is good about us. Don't you think? Won't you think about that?
Maybe our aforementioned girl never needs be nostalgic about what her identity was, "when she was fine". Maybe she'll find that she carries that identity with her throughout her whole life.
And hopefully a time will come when she'll never again think about what life was like, when she was fine.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Why did he get married?
Last Saturday, my cousin got married. Why the hell would a twenty-eight year old, college educated, progressive, community oriented, I guess decent looking guy get married? I'm in no way anti-marriage, but life being what it is, and I've definitely lived, I have to question it.
Let's be real about this thing called marriage. The bible encourages (not instructs) us not to do it, so serious hitches must exist concerning it, what we know not withstanding. So what do we know about marriage?
Typically, people get married with the hope that their partner will love them forever, but, even in dating, person's love tends to grow cold when they're not getting their way. What the hell does getting ones way have to do with a relationship? How can one person always get their way in a relationship? And, since marriage is the ultimate relationship, and people do want their way, why get married?
Two, marriage gets all fucked up by money. If we married because we are in love, why do one in every two marriages end in divorce, with money issues generally being the culprit? I know that the ability to support a family and afford a comfortable life is important, and because that's so, why are men and women always warring about money?
Men are generally up in arms about spending money and women about what money is not being spent. Really though, what business does doe have interfering with marriage? You could be loaded at once, and broke another time as a single man or woman, and you damn sure stand the chance of being as broke as you are wealthy in marriage. So, what role does money play in marriage?
Finally, marriage seems to rob men and women of their sense of self. He stops hanging out with his friends, she stops spending time with girlfriends, and they both stop being comfortable in their own skin. You ever observe married couples? Man, there's more pretense and acting going on in marriages than on day time soap operas, and in real life, no one is getting paid as well for it.
Most married couples, particularly African American ones, sit around watching each other. Thats what the marriage comes to be about: the two of them, coming home each day from work to guard one another. What the fuck for? That's a another discussion, but you get the point, don't you?
Which leads me back to my cousin. Like his parents, he's pretty conservative. They began dating in high school, married not long after graduation, and were together until 7 years ago. Nearly thirty years. It set a precedent for him. His learning disability caused him to have to work harder than most for his BA in Communications, and helped to ground him. He DJ's at a local gospel radio station. He's a "good boy" by todays standards.
Maybe his character is such that hes not been jaded by life, not been ruined in his head and heart by seeing and learning too much of life's bullshit. Maybe he's not littered with pretense, and thus will approach life with his new wife with an innocence lacking in most today. Maybe that innocence has equipped him to love himself and his wife unconditionally. Marriage will challenge that. Maybe he can give and take money in such a way that edifies he and his wife. Maybe he'll be himself and protect that freedom, whether or not his wife does. Maybe he's the ideal candidate for marriage, a cat who really does have a chance to be happily married.
Hopefully, I'll never have to sit wondering, "why did he get married"?
Let's be real about this thing called marriage. The bible encourages (not instructs) us not to do it, so serious hitches must exist concerning it, what we know not withstanding. So what do we know about marriage?
Typically, people get married with the hope that their partner will love them forever, but, even in dating, person's love tends to grow cold when they're not getting their way. What the hell does getting ones way have to do with a relationship? How can one person always get their way in a relationship? And, since marriage is the ultimate relationship, and people do want their way, why get married?
Two, marriage gets all fucked up by money. If we married because we are in love, why do one in every two marriages end in divorce, with money issues generally being the culprit? I know that the ability to support a family and afford a comfortable life is important, and because that's so, why are men and women always warring about money?
Men are generally up in arms about spending money and women about what money is not being spent. Really though, what business does doe have interfering with marriage? You could be loaded at once, and broke another time as a single man or woman, and you damn sure stand the chance of being as broke as you are wealthy in marriage. So, what role does money play in marriage?
Finally, marriage seems to rob men and women of their sense of self. He stops hanging out with his friends, she stops spending time with girlfriends, and they both stop being comfortable in their own skin. You ever observe married couples? Man, there's more pretense and acting going on in marriages than on day time soap operas, and in real life, no one is getting paid as well for it.
Most married couples, particularly African American ones, sit around watching each other. Thats what the marriage comes to be about: the two of them, coming home each day from work to guard one another. What the fuck for? That's a another discussion, but you get the point, don't you?
Which leads me back to my cousin. Like his parents, he's pretty conservative. They began dating in high school, married not long after graduation, and were together until 7 years ago. Nearly thirty years. It set a precedent for him. His learning disability caused him to have to work harder than most for his BA in Communications, and helped to ground him. He DJ's at a local gospel radio station. He's a "good boy" by todays standards.
Maybe his character is such that hes not been jaded by life, not been ruined in his head and heart by seeing and learning too much of life's bullshit. Maybe he's not littered with pretense, and thus will approach life with his new wife with an innocence lacking in most today. Maybe that innocence has equipped him to love himself and his wife unconditionally. Marriage will challenge that. Maybe he can give and take money in such a way that edifies he and his wife. Maybe he'll be himself and protect that freedom, whether or not his wife does. Maybe he's the ideal candidate for marriage, a cat who really does have a chance to be happily married.
Hopefully, I'll never have to sit wondering, "why did he get married"?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Maybe I should say "fuck it"?
When I was a kid, I could just say "fuck it". Man, saying that was like my own ancient chant, my resolve for any situation that I didn't want to deal with, and there was little that I wanted to deal with.
For those of you who do and don't know my story, my father was a ruthless, cruel tyrant during my childhood and teen years, and he treated me like shit. He didn't talk to me, but rather at me, and around age five, I became suddenly became his "sorry, useless, won't-ever-amount-to-shit" son. But maybe that was the cost of becoming a twenty million dollar (what he told me a few years ago that he's worth) man. Maybe he was taking his own frustrations out on me.?
At any rate, by age eight, I really didn't want to do homework, chores, or anything else, though I did what I had to do, as apathetically as humanly possible! I was depressed, which is a trip for an eight year old, and didn't want to be bothered with anything. Can you imagine the strain my mother felt, dealing with my ass?
By my senior year of high school, I'd squandered away all but enough credits to graduate, and had to actually pass a final exam to do so. I did, of course, but somewhere inside of me, though I didn't want to held behind, I somehow didn't care. Hell, I'd once earned 5 D's and F in a term, and followed that performance up with 4 A's and 2 B's in the following term. I just didn't give a........
I needed help that I hadn't yet gotten.
Fast forward to my late twenties, and rarely was it okay to me for me to say "fuck it". I'd begun the process of healing the wounds suffered at my father's hands via therapy and meds, and I wanted to my life to work. However, by this time circumstance seemed to hate my ass, and no matter how hard I worked, how much time I invested in efforts, and how much pride I took in my life, life seemed to say "fuck it" to me. Funny, huh?
Similarly, the obstacles that I face today, such as joblessness, mounting bills, and repercussions from past sins seem as if they'll take my away from here, literally. Many days, I wish to not wake up the following day. That's real talk.
Maybe now, though, I need to say "fuck it". No one is immune to hardships, and though we don't like the inconvenience, we typically survive, and move on toward prosperity. We lose a job, and we eventually get a new one. We lose a love, and we live to fall in love again. We endure abuses that we don't deserve, but we heal and are able to help others, as I hope that this testimony does.
What used to be a sign of great dysfunction in my life might now save my sanity, and thus my life. Maybe, now, I should just say "fuck it".
For those of you who do and don't know my story, my father was a ruthless, cruel tyrant during my childhood and teen years, and he treated me like shit. He didn't talk to me, but rather at me, and around age five, I became suddenly became his "sorry, useless, won't-ever-amount-to-shit" son. But maybe that was the cost of becoming a twenty million dollar (what he told me a few years ago that he's worth) man. Maybe he was taking his own frustrations out on me.?
At any rate, by age eight, I really didn't want to do homework, chores, or anything else, though I did what I had to do, as apathetically as humanly possible! I was depressed, which is a trip for an eight year old, and didn't want to be bothered with anything. Can you imagine the strain my mother felt, dealing with my ass?
By my senior year of high school, I'd squandered away all but enough credits to graduate, and had to actually pass a final exam to do so. I did, of course, but somewhere inside of me, though I didn't want to held behind, I somehow didn't care. Hell, I'd once earned 5 D's and F in a term, and followed that performance up with 4 A's and 2 B's in the following term. I just didn't give a........
I needed help that I hadn't yet gotten.
Fast forward to my late twenties, and rarely was it okay to me for me to say "fuck it". I'd begun the process of healing the wounds suffered at my father's hands via therapy and meds, and I wanted to my life to work. However, by this time circumstance seemed to hate my ass, and no matter how hard I worked, how much time I invested in efforts, and how much pride I took in my life, life seemed to say "fuck it" to me. Funny, huh?
Similarly, the obstacles that I face today, such as joblessness, mounting bills, and repercussions from past sins seem as if they'll take my away from here, literally. Many days, I wish to not wake up the following day. That's real talk.
Maybe now, though, I need to say "fuck it". No one is immune to hardships, and though we don't like the inconvenience, we typically survive, and move on toward prosperity. We lose a job, and we eventually get a new one. We lose a love, and we live to fall in love again. We endure abuses that we don't deserve, but we heal and are able to help others, as I hope that this testimony does.
What used to be a sign of great dysfunction in my life might now save my sanity, and thus my life. Maybe, now, I should just say "fuck it".
Thursday, November 15, 2007
She Wants Some Too
I read an article in a local newspaper this past Monday about a 79 year old nun in Milwaukee who recently pleaded no contest to charges of sex abuse forty years ago. Prosecutor's claim that she had sexual encounter's with two male students while a principal at a Catholic high school.
While it is a travesty that she engaged in sex acts with her teenage students, and act that has become commonplace today among male and female instructors, what's sad is that she was repressed enough to do so. Unlike sexy, vivrant, and often married female teachers who get involved with their students, this woman took an oath forbidding her the liberty to "get some". Non-nuns go home, strip and jump on their husbands laps, but didn't have that option. THAT, in and of itself, is the problem.
The woman is human, and she had desires then to get laid, be touched, be held, be kissed and the like. Hell, she might still have them! The Catholic church should have long ago changed that oath, at least allowing for courtships and marriage for those clergy so inclined. It hasn't done so, and as a result, a generation of baby boomers are coming forward forty years after the fact to tell of molestation at the hands of this woman's generation of clergy.
See, when an adult feels like he or she has to sneak to have sex, deviant behaviors such as molestation will likely occur. It's a likely as a husband or boyfriend giving in to the temptation of a beautiful woman: once you give way to desire, you're gone. EVERY adult's desire ought to have free reign to lose contol without having to break the law. Her passion would have been properly served when carried out with a willing, desirous adult male, ideally a husband. It's something to think about.
Likewise, a twenty-six year old, female classmate of mine complained of her mother's dissatisfaction with her whereabouts, away from home, in the wee hours of the morning. She still lives with her parents, an arrangement made convenient by severe physical impairments sustained in a automobile accident at age four. Though her legs where badly broken, and left permanently crooked below the knees, she is nonetheless a gorgeous, smart, and sexy young woman, who wants some. If you haven't figured out what I mean by the word 'some' yet, it means sex.
On the night of her moms harrassment, she had gone out with a young man and came in later than mama would have liked. When she told me of her mothers reaction, I told her to tell her mom, "mama, I want some too", the next time it happened. In response, she playfully exclaimed, "you want to get me in more trouble"!
I don't really. However, she is a grown woman, she wants to get laid, and she should get laid. It's the liberty of adulthood.
Like our nun, she wants affection and sexual gratification.There's nothing wrong with that. Like the nun before her, she's young, attractive and in her sexual wonder years. She shouldn't be bridled, unless of course she wants to be. She wants to look and play the part of grown woman. She wants to be respected for how far shes come in life, in spite of her misfortunes. She needs feel as alive as a woman without her disablility, and her mama needs to know that she wants some too.
While it is a travesty that she engaged in sex acts with her teenage students, and act that has become commonplace today among male and female instructors, what's sad is that she was repressed enough to do so. Unlike sexy, vivrant, and often married female teachers who get involved with their students, this woman took an oath forbidding her the liberty to "get some". Non-nuns go home, strip and jump on their husbands laps, but didn't have that option. THAT, in and of itself, is the problem.
The woman is human, and she had desires then to get laid, be touched, be held, be kissed and the like. Hell, she might still have them! The Catholic church should have long ago changed that oath, at least allowing for courtships and marriage for those clergy so inclined. It hasn't done so, and as a result, a generation of baby boomers are coming forward forty years after the fact to tell of molestation at the hands of this woman's generation of clergy.
See, when an adult feels like he or she has to sneak to have sex, deviant behaviors such as molestation will likely occur. It's a likely as a husband or boyfriend giving in to the temptation of a beautiful woman: once you give way to desire, you're gone. EVERY adult's desire ought to have free reign to lose contol without having to break the law. Her passion would have been properly served when carried out with a willing, desirous adult male, ideally a husband. It's something to think about.
Likewise, a twenty-six year old, female classmate of mine complained of her mother's dissatisfaction with her whereabouts, away from home, in the wee hours of the morning. She still lives with her parents, an arrangement made convenient by severe physical impairments sustained in a automobile accident at age four. Though her legs where badly broken, and left permanently crooked below the knees, she is nonetheless a gorgeous, smart, and sexy young woman, who wants some. If you haven't figured out what I mean by the word 'some' yet, it means sex.
On the night of her moms harrassment, she had gone out with a young man and came in later than mama would have liked. When she told me of her mothers reaction, I told her to tell her mom, "mama, I want some too", the next time it happened. In response, she playfully exclaimed, "you want to get me in more trouble"!
I don't really. However, she is a grown woman, she wants to get laid, and she should get laid. It's the liberty of adulthood.
Like our nun, she wants affection and sexual gratification.There's nothing wrong with that. Like the nun before her, she's young, attractive and in her sexual wonder years. She shouldn't be bridled, unless of course she wants to be. She wants to look and play the part of grown woman. She wants to be respected for how far shes come in life, in spite of her misfortunes. She needs feel as alive as a woman without her disablility, and her mama needs to know that she wants some too.
Monday, November 12, 2007
On Security
It's the eve of the holiday season, and I'm feeling particularly melancholy. It's odd for me to feel this way, now, because historically the holiday is my happiest time each year.
I love Thanksgiving with the turkey, ham, dressing, chitterlings and various trimmings.It's comforting to sit around all day eating, with folks who just want to sit around all day and eat. Don't you think? However, I do like to go out and ride around town, greeting and being greeted, and observing folks being who they really are: no power suits, no brief cases or PDA'S, no posturing, no industry speak, and no pretense. Just "hey man, what's happening"!
And Christmas? Oh my! Aside from being a universal celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, since childhood I've loved how people are nicer, kinder, and affable on that day than other in the year, even Valentines Day. It's great to give and get gifts, and it's great, again, to "see" folks.
You know, the real identity of the holidays is in the sense of security that they give us. When we shop and cook and select and try for sizes and admire new possessions and sing yule carols, we are taking a part in activities that give us undeniable sense of security, whether large or small. I mean, these activities can make us feel alive, that we have a "handle" on life, and that we have real security.
That's precisely my problem. I haven't worked in 3 months, bills are delinquent, and prospects are not exactly bright. I'm in the epicenter of everything not secure, in the "holiday sense". There will likely be no gifts bought by me, no trying on of things, besides going through the motions, and not a lot of yule tide cheer.
But, you know, all over the world there are people who don't ever have enough to eat or wear, have no modern amenities, like running water, and couldn't fathom having a car to drive. And I worry that my car payment is three months behind, my cell phone account is in jeopardy of being sent to collections, and my power will be cut off soon! In light of the aforementioned realities, I shouldn't feel so bad, but I do. I'm human, and I feel almost no security this holiday season. However, the question begs, "is there security without the trappings of the holiday"?
The sermon that I heard today at church helped me to understand that, in God's grand scheme of things, security is not dependent on material objects. If I don't give any gifts, I'll still enjoy Christmas dinner. If I don't contribute to the spread, I'll still get turkey and dressing. When my power is interrupted, I can sleep at my moms for a while. My life is not threatened because I'm broke.
I'm happy for everyone throughout the world who will be able to shop and buy and give, and for the sense of security that it will give them. Maybe though, real security knowing that even when you don't have objects of security, everything will be alright.
I love Thanksgiving with the turkey, ham, dressing, chitterlings and various trimmings.It's comforting to sit around all day eating, with folks who just want to sit around all day and eat. Don't you think? However, I do like to go out and ride around town, greeting and being greeted, and observing folks being who they really are: no power suits, no brief cases or PDA'S, no posturing, no industry speak, and no pretense. Just "hey man, what's happening"!
And Christmas? Oh my! Aside from being a universal celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, since childhood I've loved how people are nicer, kinder, and affable on that day than other in the year, even Valentines Day. It's great to give and get gifts, and it's great, again, to "see" folks.
You know, the real identity of the holidays is in the sense of security that they give us. When we shop and cook and select and try for sizes and admire new possessions and sing yule carols, we are taking a part in activities that give us undeniable sense of security, whether large or small. I mean, these activities can make us feel alive, that we have a "handle" on life, and that we have real security.
That's precisely my problem. I haven't worked in 3 months, bills are delinquent, and prospects are not exactly bright. I'm in the epicenter of everything not secure, in the "holiday sense". There will likely be no gifts bought by me, no trying on of things, besides going through the motions, and not a lot of yule tide cheer.
But, you know, all over the world there are people who don't ever have enough to eat or wear, have no modern amenities, like running water, and couldn't fathom having a car to drive. And I worry that my car payment is three months behind, my cell phone account is in jeopardy of being sent to collections, and my power will be cut off soon! In light of the aforementioned realities, I shouldn't feel so bad, but I do. I'm human, and I feel almost no security this holiday season. However, the question begs, "is there security without the trappings of the holiday"?
The sermon that I heard today at church helped me to understand that, in God's grand scheme of things, security is not dependent on material objects. If I don't give any gifts, I'll still enjoy Christmas dinner. If I don't contribute to the spread, I'll still get turkey and dressing. When my power is interrupted, I can sleep at my moms for a while. My life is not threatened because I'm broke.
I'm happy for everyone throughout the world who will be able to shop and buy and give, and for the sense of security that it will give them. Maybe though, real security knowing that even when you don't have objects of security, everything will be alright.
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