It always comes back to "serve"

Everytime I get ready to complain about what I don't have or I need, what I want, what I'll "settle" for and the like, God leads me to some scripture, remembrance or circumstance which instructs or reinstructs me to serve.

Before I get too far gone in complaint, depression, bitching and the will to just "give this shit up", He tells me to get over it and serve. Every time.

You know how it is when you've exhausted all the effort that you can, used up every resource, done the "right" thing (whatever the hell that means at the time), climbed every mountain, prayed every prayer, been prayed for, cried, screamed, hit shit, wished for your death and your world still won't turn?

I've been there so many times in the past seventeen years that it's seems ridiculous, and still, when ALL I'm asking for is a little relief, a bit of due process, some fucking fairness, God will simply say, "serve".

I was working for my father, a contractor, until July of 2007, when he abruptly and bittterly fired 90 percent of his work force, including myself. He didn't want to pay us anymore. He got shot years back, is now at least 40 percent paralyzed, and thus can't function the way he did. His ass is bitter about it too, so much so that he began systematically dissolving his business early last year.

He'd turn down generous, prosperous contracts because he didn't feel like running them, when I and the crew could have done the job, made him his doe, and made a good profit ourselves. He began receiving payouts for completed projects and, God only knows why, stiffing employees for their rightful salaries, claiming that he is a "sick" man, and can't afford that kind of money. You do shit like that after a guy has worked hard all week? You could get killed, which I and some others had to stop a guy or two from doing a time or two.

At any rate, I couldn't find employment in the month following my separation from my pop, and I still haven't found part or full time employment. I prayed that God would provide me with not only a new job, but as gainful a job as possible, and one that would glorify Him that I work. I then got out everyday and looked for work. You know? I did what I'm supposed to do.

It's March 10, 2008, nearly 7 months after I began praying and looking, and I'm still not employed. Can you believe it? How many of you would have said "screw" God by now? Yeah, I want to too, but..............(laughing). Aside from odd jobs editing for family members in school, and a little yard work, nothing. Can you believe that shit?

I bought a new car early 2007. It wasn't my dream car, but with my credit, it gave me leverage to build credit and eventually buy the car or cars that I really want. As a result of unemployment, my insurance elapsed in December. I couldn't pay it! (Aggggh!!!!!) I'd pray and say, "okay father, what are we doing here? How am I going to pay the car note? What if I get hit? What are you/I going to do? I look for work everyday"! Nothing.

Well, about a month ago, I was hit, without insurance, and now I have a car that needs repair to run, and I can't pay for the damn thing! Do you have any idea?

You know, though, I haven't missed a meal, I've bought needed clothes and shoes, I have paid on the car, which has at least pacified the finance company, I've traveled, bought some Christmas gifts and, in spite of my pain, I've laughed. Can you imagine mustering a laugh now? (laughing) I'm here in spite of my misfortune, and I'm going to be okay.

God has and does tell me to serve at times like this, to give time and attention to other's needs, to be willing to see what other's are going through in their lives, to get outside myself and set myself up to help someone else be successful. It brings tears to my eyes to say these things in lieu of what I'm going through, but it's true. That rhymes, huh? The scripture, among others, that God reminds me of is Matthew 23:11, which says, "the greatest among you will be your servant". Now I'm crying.

One day, I'll drive any car I want to drive, own a high rise apartment overlooking the Hudson river on one side and Central Park on the other, pay off all my debt, employ other's gainfully (translation: their asses will be well paid), go anywhere in the world, generally when I want to and make other lives better with the resources and connections that I will have.

I'll remember these days though, and when shit doesn't go my way, and I get ready to tell God how pissed, disappointed and exhausted of His shit I am, I'll recall that I can make in spite of my odds. I'll know that it always comes back to "serve".